(I am writing a post a day about all the things I'm thankful for during this month of Thanksgiving)
I couldn't decide what to write about for my last 'thankful' post since there are SOO many things I am blessed with and greatly appreciate. But today I am thankful for my lack of control in life and my need to trust. I know, I know. I'm not trying to be 'Pollyanna' and play the 'glad game' because I truly am thankful for my acute sense of how little I control in my life.
As you are all aware, I am a type A personality and love to be productive and achieve the things that I set my mind to. Some of my first words as a toddler were: Sana do it! (Sana was what I called myself since I couldn't pronounce Rosana, what my parents first called me when I moved to Spain) My poor mother would try to play Barbies with me but I would tell her exactly what she needed to say and do (sorry Mom!) It's a good thing that my best friend Ana was a strong personality so neither of us trampled on the other.
I rightfully feel responsible for my actions and I want my choices to impact positively on the people that surround me. (I've thankfully become less bossy)
But I realize that what I actually control is quite limited. I remember junior year at Cornell laying in bed mentally listing all the things I didn't control and how that provoked a bit of a crisis in my life. It was disconcerting to think about how I couldn't even control when I fell asleep, just when I went to bed.
So why am I so thankful about this? Because it forces me to realize how limited I am and my critical need to depend and trust utterly and completely on God. I am not supposed to be my own god and when I try to control everything that is what I'm trying to do. Trusting is something that is way harder for me to do than loving and I am thankful that God has not allowed me to hide behind the false illusion that I am in control.
This has been a lesson that I feel like I have to learn and relearn ALL the time. Let me tell you, not usually fun. Being in limbo before Peace Corps was HARD and I sobbed with my face in the carpet more times than I would like to admit while trying to depend on God during the waiting period. Seeing countless projects fail in Peace Corps keeps reminding me that my effort doesn't guarantee success. I just submitted all my five grad school applications yesterday and I admit that scared is one of the adjectives that would describe what I feel right now. I could very well be rejected by all my schools and that terrifies me but I also know that if that were to happen the one who truly controls my life will be taking me on another exciting adventure that I cannot even foresee right now.
And not only does the lack of control force me to trust in God but it pushes me to seek help from all of you. Admitting I cannot do it on my own is so hard which is a tad ridiculous since I love being able to help any of you. Thank you for your patience with me for seeking me out when I am not being vulnerable and open with you and for always loving me even when I fail. Thank you!
After all these posts of all the things I am thankful for I would LOVE to hear a few things YOU are thankful for. Please comment one or two things that you are thankful for.
PS. As Christmas approaches I am a tad apprehensive about my first Christmas without my family. I'm making handmade ornaments to put on my thanksgiving tree! If any of you suddenly feel the impulse to send me some reminder of Christmas in the States/Spain (hint hint) my address is:
My full name
Casa de Olga Chaves
300 m este de la iglesia catolica
Bijagual de Turrubares, San Jose
Costa Rica
(this is not where I live, that is why I can post it online, but it will get to me no problem)
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