Thinking Can Be Uncomfortable

My adventure in CR has provided me with a bunch of time to think and I’ve been able to read some great books that have helped to pose questions that have challenged some of my old ideas, or at least force myself to look closer into what I believe. And I will admit, thinking and analyzing has not always been easy and it is very frustrating to not be able to come up with a black and white answer about what I believe on a certain issue. But if I don’t scrutinize my preconceived ideas, where does that leave me? I don’t want to go through life not challenging and coming to terms with my established ideas (where do these ideas come from anyways?? My parents? My environment? Media?)

One question that has been bothering me a lot is if I had to press the restart button on the distribution of wealth worldwide, how would I do it? Please forgive me if I don’t know how to state this question clearly. I’m not trying to get into the capitalism vs. communism vs. socialism debate or whether governments have the right or ability to force redistribution of wealth. I also hope no one feels like I am judging them on how they use their money. This question is for me and how and where I want to direct the course of my life. I want to understand where I think the world should be so that I can be working towards that, regardless of whether I can ever get there. Just because it seems to be a losing battle, it doesn’t mean it isn’t a battle worth fighting. Currently, the way things are is not “fair.” And even though the fact that life is not fair is a reality I don’t want that to be my excuse to close my eyes to the sufferings of others as I go about my day. Though I’ve worked hard to get to the place I am, I recognize that I am a part of the fortunate few, of the ‘haves’ of this world, and in the large schemes of things, I have not done anything to deserve this advantageous starting point. Why do I assume I have a right to comfort? I thought I had a rat in my house (it was a bat...) and that knowledge really creeped me out, yet I couldn’t help thinking that the majority of the world lives with rats on a consistent basis—having rats in their house is the norm not the exception.

Also, I’ve been doing quite a bit of research on refugees (the topic has grabbed hold of me lately for some unknown reason) and these people have almost no choice but to live in refugee camps for undetermined amounts of time, while here I am living in fairly incredible material comfort. Comfort is such a relative thing, and even the hardships I’m living through now (compared to the US), I know that in 2 years I could be back in the States while some refugees have barely any hope for the future.

So after all this, I have to admit that I haven’t come up with a satisfactory answer to the question I’ve been thinking about. I keep coming back to the idea of sustainability (Peace Corps, you have taught me well…) and trying to picture a world where we’ve achieved fairness, especially economic, in a world full of selfish and self-centered people (myself leading the pack) seems impossible. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop thinking about this. Even though wrestling with this question has kept me up numerous nights, I am very thankful for the place I am at right now.